Looking back at my life,
I can truly understand why a quote I once heard early on in life has stuck with me throughout the years.
"Life is not a Destination but a Journey"
I lived with my birthfamily until the age of 6.(which included 3 siblings-1 older and 2 younger) Most of my childhood
memories have faded, only to be replaced by the feelings of emptiness, abandonment, insecurity, and condemnation.
From
the age of 6-10 I had been moved around to different foster homes. I felt rejection and despairity each time I
was placed into yet ...another home.
I
was eventually sent back to one of my original foster homes, and was told that they missed me and wanted to adopt me.
Unfortunately, the adoption process took two very long years due to legal complications. At this time this seemed
to be the answer to all of my prayers. They were truly wonderful parents and loved me dearly ! They had two natural
children of their own and still made room in their hearts for me too!
As
time went on, I kept waiting in anticipation for the emptiness in my heart to disipate... But it didn't...
Deep
inside I knew I had found a family to love me and call my own, but I had built an inner wall that nothing could tear down.
For the fear of being rejected and hurt... yet...again...
As I moved into my teen years this wall would begin to cause me serious problems with my relationship to my family.
I ended up moving out of the home as a teen. I eventually developed a relationship with a young man, and soon after,
found out I had become pregnant with his child. I believe that my abandonment issues also caused me
to hurt the love of my life, and caused him to discard me. This all created the most horrific chain of events to
occur.I didn't know what I was going to do!
I soon found myself on a Greyhound bus, all alone, and on my way to an un-wed mothers home for teens. During my stay
in this home, we had several young teen speakers. They had relinquished their children with "No Regrets!"
to pursue their dreams.
I had no-one to turn to for support, and the agency only seemed to give ONE option. Which was to give your child to
a family that could provide all the material objects that you couldn't. Look how happy you will make this family
that is unable to have children on their own! What a great service!
They
left one thing out....A Mothers Love... It never fails and can never be replaced. As I know from the emptiness
of not one time but now soon to be two times. This bond between mother and child begins in the womb and never disipates...
From the time I found out I was pregnant, till
the day I gave life to my child seemed to fly by.... I now find myself at the day
of what most mothers call the day of celebration! However...There was no celebration.
They tried to convince me that I would be better off not seeing or holding my baby as it would be harder to say goodbye...NO
WAY!!!! I would not have that, I made them bring her to me immediately. The time I spent in the hospital with
my beautiful baby girl flew by. I sang to her "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." She knew I was her mother....
The
day had come to be released from the hopital...
MY LITTLE ANGEL WAS GONE...My life would never be the same again. I promised her that I would come looking for her in
18 yrs, and not stop till once again she could look me in the eyes and know I was her mother and loved her still...
I moved back to my hometown where I married right away . I wanted to have another child to help replace the
emptiness of my child. I went on with my life, but once again the emptiness haunted me from deep within. It
was clearly evident that I was hurting still after all those years of emptiness and I decided it was time to find
my birthfamily.
After many large phone bills and many long days of searching for a small clue, I decided to try the agency whom I was
reliquished from. I spoke to the receptionist and asked her if she could help me find my birthfamily. After
I had briefly told her my story, she had a funny look on her face and met eyes with another woman in the office. She
told me at this point that she can't help me, but can tell me that my older brother had just been there days before searching
for me! What a feeling! My prayers were being answered at that moment! She eventually opened up a local
telephone book and pointed to their phone number and address! She asked me to please come back with my brother and let
her know how everything went. She was truly an angel sent from heaven for me.
I had found my birthfamily!
The
time that had lapsed since I last looked into the eyes of my first child has seemed like an eternity. Each Holiday,
Birthday, and every day in between that had passed . I was feeling the anticipation of the approaching time of
finding my little girl as I had promised.
17
years later...
I
started surfing the web with keywords about adoption, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing! There were thousands
of people searching for the emptiness. I was not alone...Many articles on the effects of adoption and the attachment
disorders. I was then scared for my child and her going through the same thing as me.
So I began my search... It seemed to posess me and I knew I wouldn't give up, I would continue my search no matter if I searched
the rest of my life. I knew the feeling of emptiness and had to help fill the emptiness that I knew she had as
well...
I knew I could never have back all that I had missed, but I knew I had to be there if and when she was ready with my
arms and heart wide open. I had become frustrated and depressed, I knew there was a clue somewhere, I had tried searching
her birthdate in all different formats, and just as it seemed there was no hope, and the time was right,
boom! Right there in front of me, I felt at that time I had found My little girl. I didn't want to pressure
her, so I had my daughter write her an e-mail, and find out if she was adopted and that if any of the info sounded familiar.
So the wait was on, to sit back and let her come to us...
It was the day before Thanksgiving November 21st 2001, I was standing in the grocery store looking for a platter for our Dinner the next day. My daughter had recieved
the reply we had been waiting for. She called me on the cell phone screaming and crying" It's my sister, We found her,
And she wants to know us too!" I said forget the platter and went straight home, I then wrote a reply back to her...
It was true, I had finally found her! She told me that she always thought of me too and wanted to find me!
My love for her will never fade or wither just as the spinning rose I placed on my original web-site and has been
placed below will continue forever.
This is for you Jenn...
Love, MOM
