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My Story

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I Found My Daughter November 2001
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Jenns Senior Picture (2001)

   Looking back at my life, I can truly understand why a quote I once heard early on in life has stuck with me throughout the years.
                                    "Life is not a Destination but a Journey"
 
              I lived with my birthfamily until the age of 6.(which included 3 siblings-1 older and 2 younger)  Most of my childhood memories have faded, only to be replaced by the feelings of emptiness, abandonment, insecurity, and condemnation. 
              From the age of 6-10 I had been moved around to different foster  homes.  I felt rejection and despairity each time I was placed into yet ...another home. 
              I was eventually sent back to one of my original foster homes, and was told that they missed me and wanted to adopt me.  Unfortunately, the adoption process took two very long years due to legal complications.  At this time this seemed to be the answer to all of my prayers.  They were truly wonderful parents and loved me dearly !  They had two natural children of their own and still made room in their hearts for me too!
             As time went on, I kept waiting in anticipation for the emptiness in my heart to disipate... But it didn't...
             Deep inside I knew I had found a family to love me and call my own, but I had built an inner wall that nothing could tear down.  For the fear of being rejected and hurt... yet...again...
             As I moved into my teen years this wall would begin to cause me serious problems with my relationship to my family.  I ended up moving out of the home as a teen.  I eventually developed a relationship with a young man, and soon after,  found out I had become pregnant with his child.  I believe that my abandonment issues also caused me to hurt the love of my life, and caused him to discard me. This all created the most horrific chain of events to occur.I didn't know what I was going to do! 
              I soon found myself on a Greyhound bus, all alone, and on my way to an un-wed mothers home for teens.  During my stay in this home, we had several young teen speakers.  They had relinquished their children with "No Regrets!"  to pursue their dreams. 
              I had no-one to turn to for support, and the agency only seemed to give ONE option.  Which was to give your child to a family that could provide all the material objects that you couldn't.  Look how happy you will make this family that is unable to have children on their own!  What a great service!
              They left one thing out....A Mothers Love... It never fails and can never be replaced.  As I know from the emptiness of not one time but now soon to be two times.  This bond between mother and child begins in the womb and never disipates... 
          From the time I found out I was pregnant, till the day I gave life to my child seemed to fly by.... I now find myself at the day of what most mothers call the day of celebration!  However...There was no celebration.
             They tried to convince me that I would be better off not seeing or holding my baby as it would be harder to say goodbye...NO WAY!!!!  I would not have that, I made them bring her to me immediately.  The time I spent in the hospital with my beautiful baby girl flew by.  I sang to her "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." She knew I was her mother....
           The day had come to be released from the hopital...
                     MY LITTLE ANGEL WAS GONE...My life would never be the same again.  I promised her that I would come looking for her in 18 yrs, and not stop till once again she could look me in the eyes and know I was her mother and loved her still...
              I moved back to my hometown where I married right away .  I wanted to have another child to help replace the emptiness of my child.  I went on with my life, but once again the emptiness haunted me from deep within.  It was clearly evident that I was hurting still after all those years of emptiness and I decided it was time to find my birthfamily. 
              After many large phone bills and many long days of searching for a small clue, I decided to try the agency whom I was reliquished from.  I spoke to the receptionist and asked her if she could help me find my birthfamily.  After I had briefly told her my story, she had a funny look on her face and met eyes with another woman in the office.  She told me at this point that she can't help me, but can tell me that my older brother had just been there days before searching for me!  What a feeling!  My prayers were being answered at that moment!  She eventually opened up a local telephone book and pointed to their phone number and address!  She asked me to please come back with my brother and let her know how everything went.  She was truly an angel sent from heaven for me.
               I had found my birthfamily!
              The time that had lapsed since I last looked into the eyes of my first child has seemed like an eternity.  Each Holiday, Birthday, and every day in between  that had passed .  I was feeling the anticipation of the approaching time of finding my little girl as I had promised. 
               17 years later...
               I started surfing the web with keywords about adoption, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing!  There were thousands of people searching for the emptiness.  I was not alone...Many articles on the effects of adoption and the attachment disorders.  I was then scared for my child and her going through the same thing as me.
               So I began my search... It seemed to posess me and I knew I wouldn't give up, I would continue my search no matter if I searched the rest of my life.  I knew the feeling of emptiness and had to help fill the emptiness that I knew she had as well...
               I knew I could never have back all that I had missed, but I knew I had to be there if and when she was ready with my arms and heart wide open.  I had become frustrated and depressed, I knew there was a clue somewhere, I had tried searching her birthdate in all different formats, and just as it seemed there was no hope,   and the time was right, boom!  Right there in front of me, I felt at that time I had found My little girl.  I didn't want to pressure her, so I had my daughter write her an e-mail, and find out if she was adopted and that if any of the info sounded familiar.  So the wait was on, to sit back and let her come to us...
               It was the day before Thanksgiving November 21st 2001, I was standing in the grocery store looking for a platter for our Dinner the next day. My daughter had recieved the reply we had been waiting for.  She called me on the cell phone screaming and crying" It's my sister, We found her, And she wants to know us too!"  I said forget the platter and went straight home, I then wrote a reply back to her...
               It was true, I had finally found her!  She told me that she always thought of me too and wanted to find me!   
               My love for her will never fade or wither just as the  spinning rose I placed on my original web-site and has been placed below will continue forever.
                                This is for you Jenn...
                                                      Love, MOM        

Red Rose, Spinning

POETRY...BY SARAH

Growing up is tough in this crazy world we live in. Sarah is a beautiful and inspiring young lady and a good friend of mine, she puts her feelings into words of expression.
She has generously offered to share her poetry with us, and It is truly an honor to add these to our site. as a young High school girl her life has just begun...but as you read these you will see she has learned so much, in so little time...
Sherry(site owner)

My World


I live in a world of deception
Which I cannot fret
Because it's my only protection
And that's all I get

I live in a world of imagination
But then again maybe it's just
Another hallucination
That is a must

I live in a world of manipulation
That I just can't feel
A unattainable fabrication
That isn't real

Sarah Margaret Jones
Copyright 2001 Sarah Jones

 





All I Wanted

I try to tell you things
That I can tell no other
Without all the hurt and anger it brings
But I don't understand, why did God pick
you to be my mother?

All I wanted was for you to listen
But you could not do that
And now I feel like apart of me is missin'

All I wanted is for you to be there
But you could not do that
And you don't really care

All I wanted was a mom,
I guess I wanted to much!

Sarah Margaret Jones
Copyright 2001 Sarah Jones

 



What You Do

You just don't know what you do
You try to be smart
But I can see right through you
You think I don't know
I'm just a child you say
You're the adult, everything is done your way
You say one thing but do the other
You say you try to be a good mother
But you don't know what you do
When all is dark
And I'm all alone
My heart has a big mark
And I can forget your tone
When you said this, When you said that
I hate you, you said
And you wished I was dead
As years go by
And they always do
I still remember
But you never do.

Sarah Margaret Jones
Copyright 2001 Sarah Jones

 


Original Poetry by Sarah Margaret Jones


 

 





Never

Never say I love you
If you really don't care
Never talk about feelings
If they aren't really there
Never hold my hand
If you're going to break my heart
Never say you are going to
If you don't plan to from the start
Never look into my eyes
If all you do is lie
Never say hello
If you really mean good bye
If you really mean forever
Then say you will try
Never say forever
Because forever makes me cry

Sarah Margaret Jones
Copyright 2001 Sarah Jones





Remember


I guess, Life goes on
and through all that has happened
I still love you mom!
I think thats kinda funny
when all I wanna do is hate you.
There is nothing you can do,
Im just an inconvinice
to you, Remember?
Just something imbetween
you and your addictions
and someone pissing you off when you feen.
I wish my life was fiction
as I sometimes make it seem.
Like a fairy tale
everything would turn out right,
I would not fail.
I wish and wish with all my might
that my wish might come true.
But I know im just lying to myself
this is not a fairy tale and I hate you!

Sarah Margaret Jones
Copyright 2001 Sarah Jones




What You Don't Know

You think they don't hurt me
Those words that you say
But that's just how it looks
I've learned to deal with the pain

Though you don't know it
It kills me inside
When you say what you say
I wish I could run and hide

But I've Learned to be strong
And that's all you see
Someone strong
Not someone weak

I can't let you know
How I really feel
How I cry at night
When the pain is too real

No matter what you do
I'll still act the same
I'll still act strong
And I'll hide my pain

Sarah Margaret Jones
Copyright 2001 Sarah Jones

 

By You

Holdin' on to what's no longer there
Wishin' upon no more wishin' stars
Cryin' tears that I have cried before
Dreamin' dreams that still haven't come true
All of this is caused by you

Talkin' to friends that I think I have
Gazin' at the guy who I wan't love from
Thinkin' in my mind, Reasonin' it's okay
Once again sad, when my reasonin' falls through
All of this is caused by you

Yes it is true
All of this is caused by you




*Gone*

I'm shocked at my heart which I cannot tame
I am losing
Unable to play my own game
I am losing
But with only myself to blame
I'm losing the me
Keeping it all hidden
Everything that's special
Everything that makes me
Is slowly, slowly, fading
As my heart drifts away
And a true me
Is gone...




Confessing

These types of feelings are hard to express
But I must confess

I Love You
Because of the way you make me feel
I Love You
Because you always seem to keep it real
I Love You
Because you are so sweet
I Love You
Because you aren't at all neat
I Love You
Because of all the little things you do
I Love You
Because your just you!




Frustrated

I'm frustrated because I can't tell if it's real
Frustrated because I don't know how I feel
I'm frustrated because we didn't talk last night
Frustrated because we can't make things right
I'm frustrated because I need you night and day
Frustrated because I can't have things my way
I'm frustrated because I won't take your hand
Frustrated because I can't get you to understand
I'm frustrated because I can't feel your gentle touch
Frustrated because I miss you so much
I'm frustrated because we can't be together
Frustrated because I'll love you forever